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View Full Version : what do you do with, 'Dad says...'



boat_tipper
12-14-2010, 06:34 PM
My boys see their Dad every weekend and things are getting worse which I didn't think was possible. So far, since they arrived after school yesterday, I have heard;
Dad says:
You just want child support from him
You are a liar
On Christmas Day we are supposed to say we hate your presents and say we want to be with Dad
You cook like cr@p
He won't be paying you one red cent
You owe him money
You stole money from him
I don't have to do anything you tell me to and I'm going to tell him you are a bully
Your family says he is a jerk
When you go back to work YOU have to pay for day care

I asked FCS to facilitate a meeting so dad and I could communicate with regards to the children and dad came back with 'not interested'. FCS closed their case because there is nothing they can do to make our situation better.

I have reported all this to my lawyer, who contacts his lawyer, who contacts dad (cha-ching) about the inappropriate conversations and nothing changes.

The boys and I are in counselling and even our counsellor is appalled at the information Dad is sharing with the children.

My answer to the boys is always 'that's something for dad and I to talk about' or something to that effect. But I can see the boys are just torn about what their dad is saying as this is not the dad they know.

ontario_gyrl
12-14-2010, 06:43 PM
i would be revoking visitations from the Father if he was talking to my kids like that!!!!
I dont care how much of a problem he has with you, that is VERY inappropriate for him to be speaking to the kids like that. But Write it all down, report it with your lawyer (which it sounds like you have already done) and try to just tell the kids to tel him that is something you need top speak to mom about not me, and when you go to court you will be walking away with everything you want because he will make him self look unfit, and like an ass

The worst i ever get from my ex to my son is he told my son not to call his step-dad Daddy cause he is not his real father.............that was DS1's choice to call him what he wants

How old are your boys?????

boat_tipper
12-17-2010, 11:30 PM
Hi Sara. Thanks for your reply. I wish it was as simple as revoking visits but what we have now is police enforceable. I have been taking detailed notes which I have sent off to my lawyer this week. Our boys are 11 and 5 which is old enough to see that what dad is saying is wrong but they still have love and loyalty to dad. It saddens me that dad thinks that he needs to teach to boys to hate me in order for them to love him.

One of my friends said it best 'he's just angry at himself and doesn't know where to aim.'

krys_tina
12-18-2010, 12:12 AM
As a child of a bad divorce myself, I hate hearing about these kinds of situations. I feel really bad for you and your boys. My advice is to let the boys talk it out with you if they want to without going into details of the marriage/divorce. Something along the lines of "I'm sorry that Dad is saying these things to you" and "I'm always here for you if you need me" Please don't tell them to "tell Dad" anything, that puts them in the middle regardless of how well meant your reply is. If you need to tell your ex anything you should do it yourself. (Sorry to disagree Sara! ;) )

Also, ask the counsellor what you can do to make it easier for the boys. She might have some ideas on how to proceed at home for you.

Aside from all that, definitely keep documenting it with your lawyer, it should make a difference later if you choose to dispute his visitation rights.

dubhreubel
12-18-2010, 02:43 AM
I agree with Kristina... I think we experienced our parents divorce differently, but kids being put in the middle in any way is terrible. your ex should be ashamed of himself. Documentation will make all the difference, and that is actually something that can be put in the custody papers iirc (no ill-talking the other parent/step-parents)

ontario_gyrl
12-18-2010, 02:51 AM
that is fine Kristina, no offence taken!!!
i will never understand why some parents feel the need to put the kids in the middle................its not fair to anybody. And look at it this way your kid will only resent him in the end for talking about you the way he did, you just try to keep everything as civil as possible on your end.



And total side note/off topic.............i never knew you were sisters Steph and Kristina

dubhreubel
12-18-2010, 02:58 AM
Yup, and we even admit it publicly once in a while ;)

boat_tipper
12-20-2010, 09:17 PM
Thanks Sara, Steph & Kristina. I come back often to read your replies. It encourages me.

Today was more of the same when they came back:

They refuse to celebrate Christmas with me on the 25th because they won't be seeing dad till the 26th. That is when they have Christmas.

Dad has not bought them Christmas presents because he has to pay me child support.

I also ruined ds's birthday party last Friday that dad had planned. I don't know how I did that and I didn't ask.

When I go back to work, I will be putting the boys in day care instead of with dad because I am afraid dad will kill the boys if he is left alone with them.

It's frustrating because the stuff dad is coming up with is going beyond crazy.

rinahead
12-20-2010, 09:42 PM
I don't have much advice but just wanted to say I am so sorry you have to go thru this.
Its not fair at all when one parent tries to get the kids to side. My parents never divorced, but my siblings and I were put in the middle of their marrage problems, and temporary separation. One thing I learned from my experience is how quickly you can see who is telling the truth. Your kids are pretty young but even so, they will hopfully see that usually the one talking bad is trying to make themselves appear better than they really are.
You don't deserve that at all, and I really hope everything works out for you!

Tanya-Mae
12-21-2010, 03:31 PM
As a parent who is going through similar things with my ex who I left in 2003... the only "new" thing I can offer is to very closely watch your kids for signs of psychological damage. My 12 yr old daughter has been officially diagnosed with depression, anxiety disorder and adjustment disorder. She is starting to see her father and I as the people we are, not as "parents" and it is tearing her apart. She is experiencing that inner turmoil between seeing the totally innappropriate actions and her sense of loyalty. She has not found the inner strength yet to speak out, release her feelings, and deal with them. It is totally heartbreaking to me to stand by and watch her go trough this and know there is not a damn thing I can do to stop it. Her father is in total denial. My daughter has been admitted for psychiatric care, is medicated and seeing a psychiatrist for her medication, but is not open to counselling. I just fired her psychologist because after one year of treatment my daughter still would not even akknowledge her presence when she walked into the room. I am now just waiting to see what sort of damage my son will encounter. He is developmentally delayed so time will tell...

Unfortunately the high road is is the hard and lonely road but it is the rigt one to take...