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View Full Version : Dating and the single mom



Meg
06-09-2010, 06:05 PM
I'm so new to all of this and have no idea what I'm doing!

When I meet someone, how long should I wait to tell them about the boy? Right away? Wait a bit?

I know having a child scares people away, so I don't know if telling them right away is a good thing....or if not telling them right away would be considered decieving them. I have a feeling (from what I've experienced so far) that alot of people find out, turn and walk away. They don't want to get involved with it because of the stigma associated with dating a single mom.

How do I make sure they know I have a child, but assure them that there is no baby daddy drama involved?

smookies_mama
06-09-2010, 06:32 PM
I think that you should be upfront about Jake right away. Obviously feel the guy out before you intro them, but still, I think it's important that any potential suitors know about Jake right outta the gate.
And so what if they walk away after you've told them about your son?...they're just making it easier on you by cutting themselves outta the race! As a mama, you don't have time to waste on the bullcrap that comes with most dating scenarios.
About the baby daddy drama, I think you have to be upfront about Jake's dad's passing away as well. The more they know, the easier their decision will be...in terms of wanting to pursue you or not. If you lay it all out, then they'll know how to make their next step...ykwim?

Good Luck, btw!! This is a huge learning curve! You'll make mistakes, sure...but how else will you learn? Each step you take is one closer to being with 'Mr Right'!!!

Syd&Noah'smommy
06-09-2010, 08:47 PM
You just need to be you, honest and upfront and make sure they have all the details. If they can't hack it then they aren't the right guy for you or Jake. It's tough being a single mom because you have to put your son first and you second which must totally suck. I wish I knew a few decent single men for you. Unless you want to go for coffee with my neighbor, nice guy, his parents are awesome and he's really good with his nephews too. ;)

ontario_gyrl
06-10-2010, 01:55 AM
I would say be up front about J, if they turn and walk away you dont want them in your life anyways.
Explain you situation to them, tell them that you dont have baby-daddy drama, and that you are not looking for a man to move in tomorrow and play house (some men seem to think that is all a single mom wants)

eversoclever
06-10-2010, 05:31 PM
Ya know, I would be upfront, but not have it be the first thing out of your mouth. Bringing it up at the end of the first date if you have a connection with him would be fitting, I think.

Meg
06-10-2010, 05:39 PM
Thanks ladies.

This has me super stressed out lol, silly I know but I can't help it.

newmama
06-10-2010, 05:57 PM
I agree about being up front from the beginning. You don't want to be involved with someone who wouldn't want your child in their life anyway so this way it sifts those men out of the way. You will find one that is secure enough with who they are and also wants to be involved with your family. It may just take some time (or not-who knows right?) Have fun with it!

Meg
06-10-2010, 06:20 PM
Dating itself freaks me out. I've never really done the whole dating thing. Things with his father were weird - as the relationship initially started when we were 13. I've never been on a real date...I suppose thats part of the fun of having had a baby at 17 huh? (I suppose there are other issues that lead to the fear aswell...but those are probably tmi)

Add a 4 year old into the mix and I'm absolutely terrified.

Tanya-Mae
06-12-2010, 07:51 PM
Just the word "date" sends shivers up my spine, lol. Way to omuch pressure.. I'd rather just go out somewhere and wing it if I happened to meet up with someone. I don't like the anticipation. I have always been very open and honest with guys about my situation being a single mother. They must understand from day one that my kids are number one priority. If they have a problem with that just keep on walking... don't waste my time.

boat_tipper
12-18-2010, 07:16 PM
I agree with the others, be upfront that you have a son. Maybe let them know dad passed away but all the details you don't need to share till you are ready.

I've learned to tell as much as necessary on an as needed basis. Before I meet someone I let them know about the children that are with me. I have two boys that are 50/50 between me and dad, and my daughter is 4 months old and spends all her time with me. Sometimes I never hear from gentleman again and that's okay. Better to know now, I say. The ones that are okay with that, I'll meet for coffee. If drinks go well, I'll tell them about the rest, haha.

tinkandnuggetsmom
06-02-2011, 01:25 AM
these are my 5 rules a guy must understand... I always tell them about my kids but
1) I am not not easy just because I have children
2) I am not looking for a father for my children... they have one (he may be a fall down but there his)
3) no you may not meet them
4) yes they will always come first
5) I do not need you to buy them anything..I take care of them just fine

Meghan
06-02-2011, 01:32 AM
I think that you should be upfront about Jake right away. Obviously feel the guy out before you intro them, but still, I think it's important that any potential suitors know about Jake right outta the gate.
And so what if they walk away after you've told them about your son?...they're just making it easier on you by cutting themselves outta the race! As a mama, you don't have time to waste on the bullcrap that comes with most dating scenarios.
About the baby daddy drama, I think you have to be upfront about Jake's dad's passing away as well. The more they know, the easier their decision will be...in terms of wanting to pursue you or not. If you lay it all out, then they'll know how to make their next step...ykwim?

Good Luck, btw!! This is a huge learning curve! You'll make mistakes, sure...but how else will you learn? Each step you take is one closer to being with 'Mr Right'!!!

I agree 100% with the bolded. I would wait until the 2nd date or when you start talking serious. I wouldnt skip the small talk and go right into the deep but also wouldnt wait too long.

I have been with my SO since I was 17 and he was my first "real" relationship. I had a few boyfriends but nothing that lasted more than a month or two. I often worry that if anything were to happen to us that I wouldnt know where to start (not that I want them to).

Good luck :)

ness_xoxo
06-10-2011, 12:59 AM
God I'm RIGHT there with you Meg. Like- how do I tell them I have a little guy without them literally running in the opposite direction. Theres NO baby daddy drama either with me but I too feel like guys have such a tendency to stigmitize single Moms and they immediatly jump to the conclusion that were looking for a stand-in daddy. Which is NOT the case. UGH, very frusterating. I feel your pain & nervousness!

KitchenerMom
06-10-2011, 03:21 AM
plentyoffish.com .. List on your profile that you have a kid. TA-DA only men okay with that will respond.. the best thing is they have a chat feature so you dont even have to give out or own number or msn. A few of my girlfriends have met their men through there and were happy with it. You will find some weirdos.. but their so easy to ignore ;)

pinksparkles
06-26-2011, 02:30 AM
I never had any issues as a single mom dating. I always told guys up front and none that I dated ever had an issue with it. Funny as it sounds I love dating LOL it's the long term relationships I am not the best at. People stop being on their best behavior and things get messy.

But like the others have said I would always be upfront about having a son and I wouldn't let them meet your son unless this is a VERY serious relationship.

GL :D

Meg
06-26-2011, 03:10 AM
I hate POF! I was on it for awhile but the only people who messaged me appeared to be losers and most of the profiles I looked at were either self-centered pricks or people who I wouldn't talk to in a million years. I deleted my profile and I doubt I'll ever go back.

I'm still in the same place as before. I think I'm ready, but who the heck knows. All I know is I'm so sick of being alone.

Meghan
06-26-2011, 03:55 AM
I hate POF! I was on it for awhile but the only people who messaged me appeared to be losers and most of the profiles I looked at were either self-centered pricks or people who I wouldn't talk to in a million years. I deleted my profile and I doubt I'll ever go back.

I'm still in the same place as before. I think I'm ready, but who the heck knows. All I know is I'm so sick of being alone.

I have heard similar but have also heard some success stories. I think that you just really have to weed out the bad ones. I have also heard of a single dads site but not sure if you want someone with a bunch of kids either lol

erinladybug
06-26-2011, 12:26 PM
I hate POF! I was on it for awhile but the only people who messaged me appeared to be losers and most of the profiles I looked at were either self-centered pricks or people who I wouldn't talk to in a million years. I deleted my profile and I doubt I'll ever go back.

I'm still in the same place as before. I think I'm ready, but who the heck knows. All I know is I'm so sick of being alone.

I also eventually hated POF, and though I did meet and talk to a few interesting people I removed my profile after encountering too many losers.

Then one night my friend was over and asking about online dating, and I set up a somewhat sarcastic and funny profile, to show her how it worked. I met someone that night on POF, and here we are 2 1/2 years later, engaged and having a baby. lol. I still need to share the full story one of these days. I think it's pretty interesting and inspiring.

Meg, have you ever tried www.okcupid.com ? I did and met an interesting guy on there, he ended up just wanting a friend with benefits situation, but I found the people on there a little different than POF. Though the few people I talked to did also have POF profiles. Maybe check it out.

Meg
06-26-2011, 09:06 PM
I haven't tried it, but I'll take a look. I'm considering just biting the bullet and giving eharmony a try. I may wait until they have a good promotion on and then join up for a little while to see what its all about.

I HATE writing the profile. It's so hard for me and I always feel like I'm saying too much, or too little...or just the wrong things.

Dating in general makes me feel stupid lol