View Full Version : Denying Access? very long...

12-07-2009, 04:16 PM

Long story short: I live in Kitchener, separated (since 2003), and have interm physical custody of the kids. The ex still lives in the Sudbury region and has been living common law for the last few years. We are not divorced nor have we worked out a separation agreement yet.

I have always allowed the kids to visit with the father when-ever he wanted. At issue: there has been two times (I only contact the place to talk to the kids) that I have been very aggressively and obscenely assaulted on the telephone (1st by the gf's mother then the follwing year by the gf) without provocation. I was told I could never set foot on the property and physically threatened by the gf's mother (whom I have never met), the gf (whom I have seen once) said I could never phone the residence. Each time this happened the children were there and witness to their behaviour. I talked to my ex regarding the incident with the gf's mother (he was not present during the outburst... she was babysitting the kids for him) and asked him to take care of the matter. I later was told thru him that this "incident" never happened because this woman was a saint. I let it pass and visitations continued unchanged. When the "incident" with the gf happened my ex was also present in the room with her. He was a witness to this as were the kids. I talked to him about it, and initially he was very supportive regarding it. They had broken up and my ex drove the kids all the way back home early from that visitation at his discretion. He also gave me all the childrens belongings that had collected at this house over the years. He told me that she did apologize to him and my daughter but I'm not to ever expect an apology from her. Our agreement was that the schedule of visitations and his relationship with the children was to be unchanged. We also agreed that the children were not to return to that particular residence again (two houses on a the farm belonging to the gf and her family) and the children were not to have any direct contact with the gf or her mother. Well... fast forward a bit and to no surprise the ex has decided to stay in this relationship and told me that the children will stay with him at this residence, claiming that it is a very good enviroment for the kids, never a bad experience. According to him the gf raised her voice at me out of frustration because he was not speaking up on issues and that I should just get over it. There has been a number of nasty emails sent to me by the ex. I am stating that I am inflexible... sticking to our original agreement. Most currently he has been telling his extended family that I am denying him access. Some of these family members have approached me directly about this. He has stated this to his lawyer and now in his emails he is very deliberately using the words "under duress" and "with protest" when he replies that the kids will be staying with him at his mothers place. I know this is an attempt at a set-up... otherwise he would not be using such words... just not natural for him. How do I most effectively handle it? I want him to spend time with the kids... lots more than he ever has... but not with this woman. Up until the "incident" I made every effort to try and befriend her but for what-ever the reasons it did not happen. She was kept a "secret" for years... kids were told to not say a word. Now, with the behaviours and lack of accountability from both the ex and his gf, I have no desire to befriend anyone. Yes, as the parent my ex still is entitled to the kids... not a problem... but I have issue with the gf... I don't owe her anything... denial of the absolutely horrendous out-burst... in the presence of my kids... I don't think so. That behaviour is totally unacceptable from anyone!

The last time the kids saw their father was Labour Day Weekend. When I told the kids... daughter did not show any visible emotion, my son freaked out and does not want to go because he will miss me. Ugg... but they both went because it is the “right“ thing to do. They will be staying with him at his mothers place. This visit did not go well. He knowingly put our kids in a vehicle that was not safe. It is about a 3hr highway drive from where we meet and where he lives. The pick-up truck broke down in the middle of nowhere on the highway. My ex proceeded to put my son in the tow truck without his booster (leaving it behind in the broken truck). The ex never said a word about this to me... I found out when I picked the kids up after the visit. His mother (my ex MIL) and my son told me. When I asked the MIL if Daegan was in the booster.. she dodged the question. Daegan is the size of a three year old and already had his life saved once by being properly seated in a booster seat (I was in a bad accident a couple of years ago with the kids... seatbelts saved us all). When cornered the MIL admitted no and said talk to my ex. He tells me it was an emergency, there were no other alternatives and shut the door on me to drive away.... Plus my MIL informed m,e that she was going to be visiting with her daughter over the Christmas holidays. She lives in USA. Yes, very good for her but... where will my kids be during the next anticipated visitation? If we follow status quo... kids are with him Christmas, and with me New Years. Again, the ex did not say a word!


Still no resolutions!!!! I have not heard a peep out of him for two months now. He is ignoring all my e-mails... messages to update him on child-related issues (school & medical). Email is the only means I have to communicate with him. It was mutually agreed as being beneficial to both us years ago... and now this past year I', not allowed to call the home residence or set foot on it (I only phoned to talk to the kids when visiting & twice I've dropped the kids off there.. ever.. so it's not like I was a prowler)

I also made it known to him via one of the emails that I know his mother will be out-of-the-country over the holidays thus not available to house the kids over Christmas. His mother told me last Labour Day weekend. I kept quiet.. hoping to give him the opportunity to approach me... he will not communicate at all!! I want them (he and his gf) to participate in some sort of resolution process for the sake of our kids.

If we followed status quo, the kids are with him for Christmas and with me over New Years. Since he is playing possum, I have not been able to make any plans what-so-ever. His father (and step-mother) have invited me and the kids to come to their place for the family celebration... I cannot even give them a real answer. I would love to spend some holiday time with that side of the family... and no, my ex, their son, is not invited to this family gathering... kinda tells you something about this guy eh?

If I could do things “my way“... it would be so easy... to say hell with him... he (my ex) does not see the kids either because he ain't any better than his gf... but I do realize that legally I cannot do that.. plus it is not right by the kids. I have always tried to take the high road for the sake of my kids. I have never told him he could not see the kids. It is just almost the last year now (since the New Years fit) that I have said the kids will not be around her or her residence. I've let all the "other" things that happened before this slide. He is always more than welcome to come here (Kitchener) and see them or alternatively, make accommodation arrangements there (Sudbury) for them (which is what he has done.. staying at his mother's place).

... and I simply cannot afford to spend more $ on a lawyer right now. I'm on my 3rd lawyer and not impressed! I'm already going into debt paying for all the expenses related to the kids... many of them that the ex simply refuses to pay.

Uhhgggg... it really should never be this hard.. especially on issues that really are no-brainer ones like section 7 expenses.. but I cannot seem to get any of these enforced...

I really want to boycott Christmas entirely!!!! I told my ex's father and step mother (whom we saw this past weekend.. my ex has NEVER taken the kids to see his family) that I'll give it another week... if I don't hear from him... I'm making plans. Told his step-sister the same thing just the other day... funny how I am on good terms with everyone in his family and he isn't?

Just wondering... how old do the kids need to be before they can decide if they want to see their father or not? At what point does their opinion “count“. What happens once the older sibling gets to be that age.. does the younger one have to go still? I dunno? Daegan has never been with his father alone... not since his father passed out while supervising him and he fell down the stairs as an infant... then got screaming mad at me for insisting on taking him to the hospital... this was before we separated. Daegan does not know any different than separated parents. My daughter has memories from when we were together but is starting to see the realities.. ie. seeing parents as the people they are... and she is going through hell. (I have her seeing a child psychologist now). My kids never ask to see their father, never calls him on the phone, nor does my oldest ever send email to him. Any contact from the kids has been initiated by me and quite honestly... I'm tired of doing that.

.. just digging up the little legal papers I have... I only have a temporary court order (dated April 20/05). The only mention of custody/access stated is:

“The Applicant shall have primary residential custody of the children; Taylor Alexis Rylance Johnston born May 6, 1998 and Daegan Lawrence Johnston born February 28, 2002 without prejudice to the Respondent's rights to pursue an Order for joint custody. The Respondent shall have reasonable access on reasonable notice to the children of the marriage.“

So.. what does “reasonable access on reasonable notice“ really mean?

12-07-2009, 07:32 PM
I went through a horrible experience with my ex's one gf. She was a terrible person. Nick was completely traumatized by her. He still is, in some ways.
You need to document everything. Every conversation (assuming he will eventually talk to you), every email you have sent, every time you have contacted his lawyer, etc. Document that you have made every attempt to contact him. This way, when he says you have tried to deny access, you can provide evidence to the contrary.
You need to get a legal separation agreement too. It's a big headache, but it is necessary.
Children can choose when they are 12 years old. Nick just turned 12, and knows he has that right, if he chooses.
I know what you mean about always wanting to take the high road. It IS the way to go, even though it sucks sometimes.

12-08-2009, 12:18 AM
Yeah, that is exactly what I have been trying to do. I have documentation starting before I physically separated from him... that is the primary reason why I decided to rely on email correspondence with him... it offers a time-stamped account of who says what. I also have purchased a telephone conversation recorder... no way in hell am I going to get caught in an "issue" like I did with both the gf and her mother again... not without it recorded.

Yep, a legal separation agreement is very neccessary. I am planning to find work after the holidays and intend to spend that paycheck in lawyer fees. I just hope I cvan find a lawyer who will work WITH me. I'm on my 3rd lawyer currently and not entirely impressed with her performance.

12-08-2009, 02:15 PM
crap, crap, crap... I checked email last night before bed and there was a message from him.

Making excuses for not responding to any messages... saying his computer was down for a month (it's been two months since I heard from ). Complaining about money, how he can't afford to reimburse me for our daughters dental appointment a couple of months ago, can't afford SLP for our son, doesn't know how he can pay for our daughters braces (she has initial consult in January)... blah blah blah.

Then tells me the dates he has off from work to have the kids... like I am supposed to jump at his beckoning and accommodate his schedule now? No mention of his mother or acknowledgement that we needs to work out issues...

No idea what to do!!! I know what I WANT to do but I am just so torn with the concept of “taking the high road“ that I have no idea what I should do.

12-08-2009, 03:51 PM
Whatever happened to garnishing wages? He sounds like a royal pain in your ass and I would let your kids decide. If they don't want to go, don't make them. It dosen't sound like your ex would put up a stink anyway. I know it's not fair to let the kids decide but as you stated, they didn't want to go the last time. I think you need to stop being so easy on him and do what's best for you and your kids.

I hope my ex and I can remain friends....I fear going through the battle that you are going through now.

Good luck.

12-08-2009, 04:08 PM
FRO does garnish basic guideline support.. that is the only way I get anything out of him. Took a couple of years in court and 1000's of dollars though... all out of my pocket.

My daughter (love her to death!!!!) but is a total emotional basketcase. She has just started seeing a child psychiatrist. I am convince a big part of her issues stem from hostilities between myself and her father. I think... she is coming to the age where she is beginning to see her parents as real people (YKWIM) and it is agonizing... especially when I do not think she has reached rock bottom yet. Plus... she needs to deal with all the "baggage" associated with having a special-needs little brother. Life is not easy for her and she does not have the tools to cope.

Yep, I could ask her and she would not have an answer.. at least not one she'd have the strength to come out and say out-loud. I know she loves her father... and she "should" but... I also know she is extremely (as in overly) attached to me, and has on the very rare occasion opened up to me a little... saying she does not want to live with her father (that has never been an issue.. she is with me), and mentioned that her father cannot handle them (her and brother) for even a weekend... he goes crazy... lots of yelling, screaming, venting, etc. She is torn. My son... he knows no different than status quo. Developmentally he is like a 3yr old... no comprehension if I were to ask. Besides, I would not allow him there without his sister and vise-versa (for good reasons)... and their father is quick to excuses why he does not have Daegan for extended periods of time... always reasons beneficial to Daegan of course. So I cannot see myself simply asking te kids if they want to go or not.

Yes, in reality... whether they go or stay is up to me. It is just the verbal backlash that would follow if the kids do not go... that is extremely harmful on the kids because their father simply has no filter on his mouth and is very quick to play victim... blame me for everything. He just doesn't think. Spits out his verbal abuse... time passes... and to him it is like nothing ever happened or I am accused of living in the past. A no-win-situation as I see it right now.

12-10-2009, 05:32 PM
Sorry that he's still being like that, Tanya! Just a thought, but can you see if your ex's mom could be in charge of taking the kids, being there with the, and bringing them home after a couple of days?

12-10-2009, 05:53 PM
Nope.. not an option. Historically she was the person relied on. Before he moved in with this gf, his mother lived with him in our matrimonial home. I relied on her to keep an eye on the kids for safety... yes, there is a past story on this. Then when he started to co-habitate, I let things slide and the kids were under the care of him and his gf. Since the last New Years visit, the kids have not returned to their residence dus... yes, there is a story here too. The odd time the kids have gone to Sudbury to see their father accomodations were made for him to have the children at his mothers apartment, with her presence. Absolutely nothing has been done on their part (ie their father and his gf) to try and resolve the issues preventing the children from returning to that home. I haveknown since Labour Day weekend (last time the kids saw their father) that the MIL will be in the states, visiting with her daughter, hence not around to house the kids. My ex has not said a word about this and simply expects me to bring the kids to him and have them saty at his place like nothing ever happened. I think not! Besides... even if the MIL was around... I don't particularly relish the idea that she is the responsible one... she was there and fully aware the mechanical condition of the vehicle the children were put in that led to Daegan being placed in a tow truck without his booster seat. She did not question any of this.

Currently... I am just waiting for my "stupid" lawyer office to get back to me. I have to make sure I cover my butt.. hence I have not responded to my ex's email.

08-29-2011, 08:53 PM
I realize this is old, but I wonder how things are today with relation to this situation.

08-30-2011, 08:37 PM
i know a mediator in Cambridge - I know that isnt' what you want but he might know a great lawyer who will work with you vs against you. The right lawyer does wonders and considering that he refuses to answer anything you might have to do the lawyer route.