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View Full Version : Angry teen sis, am I being unreasonable?



Alex's Mom
10-22-2009, 08:55 PM
My mom rents out our finished basement (she contributes monthly). I have a 16yo little sis has been in and out of my mom's house and was not planning on moving in with us. When the time came her plans fell through and so she ended up in one of our bdrms (good thing we were prepared for this).

Here's the thing, my sis's father gives her "child support" (instead of my mom) of over $400/mo since she's moved out on her own. I had said she would have to give $175 of that to us for the room, $150 of that to my mom for groceries and toiletries and she could keep around $100/mo for clothing, etc. I thought that was being fair, I mean I never got $100/mo "free money" when I was 16. The only money I got was what I earned from babysitting my younger siblings. On top of this I have given her opportunities to babysit my children for $$ because I thought she would want the extra $$$ (I have family who would watch them instead for free).

I just found out that my mom said sis could keep all of the money this month to use for clothes since she had recently lost weight and her old clothes didn't fit. I wasn't too happy about that and expressed to her that if sis's father was giving her money for room and board that we should be getting some of it since we're boarding her (and paying all the utility bills).

I had given a list of house rules and the money was laid out on there. I don't know if she didn't read it or if she thought I was kidding. Today she came home, went to the basement and started screaming at someone on the phone (I think her dad). Saying "she's crazy if she thinks I'm going to pay to live in that room" "If I'm going to pay then I'm going to party and drink in the room all I want" (We do not allow her to drink or do drugs in our house or come home intoxicated) "She's such a F***** B****!" and on and on. Not sure if it's me or my mom who's the "she" in this conversation. I heard her loud and clear on the next level up.

Am I crazy here? :confused: Does $175 sound excessive? I just don't understand how my sister can think that she's entitled to keep her support money from her dad while she lives in my house for free? I'm not her parent, I'm not obligated to support her.

Is it just me, or do teens now have a massive sense of entitlement? It wasn't that long ago that I was a teen and cannot remember me or my friends ever thinking that we were owed the world like a lot of these teens think now. :mad:

I guess this was more of a rant than anything, I'm just so frustrated with this situation and me & DH are made to feel like we are the ones in the wrong.

HepAlien
10-22-2009, 09:15 PM
Feel free to rant, sounds like a stressful situation.

I can assure you its not all teens. My sibs are nothing like this, had jobs since young ages and are totally respectable kids (not perfect but neither am I, lol).

I hope it can be sorted out. I don't think its too much to ask for the money, but I do think maybe she needs a lesson in how to manage money. I don't know the background , how long she has lived on her own for or why she is at 16. Seems like a sticky situation and a lot for a 16yr old to deal with , ykwim? She probably needs big dose of reality now that she is managing her own money etc etc.

Syd&Noah'smommy
10-23-2009, 01:53 AM
Rant on it sounds stressful.

Is she a student? Does she work?
These should be taken into consideration regarding how much board to charge, but she should definitely be expected to pay something and respect the house rules, after all it's your house not hers. She couldn't possibly find anywhere else to live for that amount.

Alex's Mom
10-23-2009, 03:13 AM
Thanks for listening :)

She doesn't work, she does go to high school though. I had based the amount I asked for on the monthly amount she receives from her dad. If she was out of school I would expect her to work and to pay something more in line with what a real room would rent for (300-350).

I learned later today that my sister was not told of all of the rules before she moved in. It seems that she would have a fit over each new thing and my mom wanted to break them to her slowly :confused:

DH & I had planned on talking to her tonight but she left for the night. I'm not sure what's going to happen now, I was under the impression that she was aware of all of the rules before.

~sigh~

Syd&Noah'smommy
10-23-2009, 10:30 AM
HUGS!!! Siblings can be so difficult sometimes and well teenagers UGH!!!

mommyKim
10-23-2009, 12:41 PM
Vent away! This sounds like tough situation so it's hard to give advice or an opinion :/ but I agree with Hep that it sounds like your sister needs a hefty dose of reality and I think you mom needs to stand up to your sister.

Good luck and big hugs

Krip
10-23-2009, 02:28 PM
Well I had lived with a 20 something who thought the same way. Entitled and thought he could do whatever he wanted in my apt (my name on lease, he moved in with me no where else to go)

I honestly think that it is just a personality thing. Her/your mother is still treating her like a younger child than she is. And she knows it. She knows that if she throws a fit then she will get her way, if she acts that way people will tiptoe around her ect.

My advice is to sit down talk to her and tell her how your rules are. if you don't like them you can find another room to rent (remind her it is at 300-350 and most people won't rent to a 16 year old)

ontario_gyrl
10-24-2009, 02:41 AM
Vent Away!!!!
She needs a reality check, and soon!!!
I dont think the money you are asking is too much, she needs to learn how to budget her money...........lets be real here for a sec, if any of us lost a ton of weight and needed clothing we would have to wait to buy clothes, we can just say im not paying mortgage/rent this month........And maybe it sounds harsh but if she wants to live like an adult, i think she needs to act like one.

And since its your home, i think you and DH maybe need to sit down and run through the rules fully with her

Alex's Mom
10-24-2009, 06:01 AM
We all had a talk tonight. DH and I explained to her that we had set up rules from the beginning and my mom said that she never got through them all because my sis would go off the deep end each time. We are going to print out the full list and give them to her. We've told her that we made the rules based on what we need to happen for a minor to board in our house and that we're not trying to parent her.

We also tried to get a sense of what she felt she was missing out on and what was unfair but she mostly said everything was fine. There were a few little hiccups, at one point she said she was going to live in a foster home because it would be better than this (uhm yeah right). She also seems incapable of understanding that the money that is given (to my mom now because she's living with her) for her support is not her money per say. We tried to explain to her that it's to contribute to the cost of living for her and that my mom and us are paying for her food and her housing.

We had thought it went pretty well until my mom got back from driving her to her friend's house. She went ballistic in the car swearing, kicking and spitting on the car door and my mom had to stop the car and tell her to get out.

I'm extremely frustrated with her. We told her that if she's unhappy then she needs to be an adult about it and we'll all try to figure out how to make it work. Arghh! We told her that if she doesn't like the rules or she's unhappy then she is welcome to find somewhere else to live.

My mom is definitely going to have to do more standing up to her and hopefully now that they are living with us we can help her be more firm.

Prid5
10-24-2009, 06:49 PM
well it certainly sounds to me like you are doing everything right. It must be frustrating for you. It also must be scary, confusing and frustrating for her. I dont know about the rest o you but I thought I knew it ALL when I was 16...boy was I wrong! 16 yr olds dont have fully functioning *adult* brains yet, they just really have no clue (most of them). I hope that she can get it together and figure out that you really only want what is best for her and you are trying to help her. Sometimes I think they have to fall really hard before they get that lesson and I just hope that it won't have to come to that for her. Feel free to vent anytime!!

Shiraz
06-29-2011, 03:18 AM
I can relate to your story from many angles. When I was 16, I moved in with my 23 year old sister. At 19 when I had my own place, my 16 year old brother moved in with me. Both situations were very bumpy with arguments and misunderstandings. As siblings, we loved/love each other a lot. So much in fact that we sacrificed our own need for space to help each other in tough times. Sure, we also took advantage of each other and did not respect each other's needs/rules. In the end, it was our continued kindness and civility to each other that helps up keep our relationships strong and what kept us from getting into really bad situations.

I believe that the welfare of a 16 year old is the responsibility of the parent. Yes, the teenager must respect rules, as in all situations. Yet, the responsibility of managing several hundred dollars on a monthly basis is not a skill that can be grasped quickly. If the bills need to be paid, would it make more sense to make her aware of where the money goes but to avoid including her as a decision-maker until she is ready? I mean, similarly, most parents don't negotiate paying the bills with their teenagers.

Your approach seems really well-thought out and quite admirable. Yet, it seems that her parents are not taking the leadership role that they need to be taking. She is a teenager, still a child learning how to handle herself and her affairs. She needs to be taught how to handle this situation with grace.

Just speaking from my experience...

snowrose
06-29-2011, 03:41 AM
After my mother died I was raised by my grandparents. At the age of 13 I was paying them about $400 per month for room and board. The money came from an inheritance from my mom's death, so I never really felt that I was giving up anything.

Unfortunately your sister has been given the feeling of what it's like to have all that money floating down on her "free", and now she's apparently going to squall like a toddler if it looks like she's going to lose any of it at all.

Since her father is paying support directly to her, I assume she's an emancipated minor? That means the court could be tracking the money (FRO?) so it's not like the father can pay you what you're due and give her the remainder.

It's a sticky whicket. It could be that because of the way things are going your only choice may be that you'll have to tell your sister to pay up or move out. She's the one holding the purse strings and it looks like she's got a feeling of entitlement and thinks she should get everything for free. Unfortunately that means you may have to make a decision between either letting her stay for free or asking her to leave. :(

*hugs*

Alex's Mom
07-20-2011, 06:33 PM
This thread is very old and out of date, my sister moved out on her own last summer (which was best for all of us).

She is very spoiled and entitled and living with her was an awful experience. I celebrated for days when I found out she was leaving.

Thanks everyone for the advice, but it probably wouldn't have helped anyways. I don't think I've ever met anyone as selfish as my little sister. We are on speaking/friendly terms, but I really don't like her as a human being and so I only spend time with her when I absolutely have to (family functions).

Shiraz
07-20-2011, 10:28 PM
This thread is very old and out of date, my sister moved out on her own last summer (which was best for all of us).

She is very spoiled and entitled and living with her was an awful experience. I celebrated for days when I found out she was leaving.

Thanks everyone for the advice, but it probably wouldn't have helped anyways. I don't think I've ever met anyone as selfish as my little sister. We are on speaking/friendly terms, but I really don't like her as a human being and so I only spend time with her when I absolutely have to (family functions).
Sounds kinda bittersweet.

snowrose
07-21-2011, 04:11 AM
Sounds like things turned out for the best. I'm glad.